My anxiety has been bubbling lately. I can never really seem to put my finger on it, the reason why I always feel like the sky is falling. I do not even remember the day I began feeling this way, but I know it was not always this way. Honestly, I used to be one of those people that did not believe anxiety was a real thing, weak people made anxiety up as an excuse to not being able to deal or cope with their realities. Well, I was very wrong because soon enough it began happening to me and let me tell you, anxiety is a real thing; one hundred percent. I have been trying to find ways to deal with it and in a way where my kids do not really notice what is going on because I do not want to rub off on them. I want them to be brave and fearless, not crippled by anxiety…like me.
I don’t know what it is. Before, the anxiety would come rarely and in the most random of times. Now, I feel like I am at the tippy top of the world’s highest roller coaster, just waiting to plummet back down…but I never fall. I just feel like I’m about to fall and the terror never simmers away, it’s constantly there. I feel like something terrible is about to happen, all of the time. I can’t explain why or what triggers me to feel this way but I feel it in the air as well. I know it sounds kind of looney, but I swear the atmosphere feels off lately; like the planet has anxiety. Something isn’t right and I think I’m such an empath that the imbalance within the world and the people truly has an effect on me physically. I just feel like there is something I need to do and I can not figure out what it is. I am just trying my ultimate best to be the best mom, be the best me I can be because I feel like we are running out of time. Why? I don’t know. It is just an urgency I feel within me to get as much done as I can, yet sit still and enjoy every waking moment. Taking it all in, the smells of my sleeping babies as the morning begins, the sounds of their laughter as I smother them with tickles and kisses, and the feeling of love flowing within our family when we are all together. It feels infinite, WE are infinite, and I am certain to my core that no matter what lifetime that we will always find one another.
So, I do not know what the future will hold or why I was dealt the anxiety card but I promise I’ll overcome it. I overcome the anxiety beast every single day, it seems. I refuse to allow it to control me or to pass it down to my kids. I will continue searching for ways to live with this and avoiding things that trigger the panic. So far I have noticed that coffee definitely is the number one trigger for me. If I do not eat by noon or 1pm I also begin to feel like I am about to go into an anxiety attack, and also not drinking enough water. I never used to be this way, sometimes I worry that something is wrong me physically…but I do not want to go down that rabbit hole. Driving sometimes can be a trigger, I have to focus on the brake lights of the cars or turn on the music and sing, loud. Don’t judge. Anxiety is real, and something is happening in the world, now all I can do is keep surviving and fighting everyday because I need to be the hero my kids think I am.
Truths from a Mommy 