Tag: sobriety

Six months sober; still going!

Momma Bear

Waking up this morning to my two toddlers sleeping next to me, cuddling me, I took the time to just close my eyes and take a deep breath. I slowly exhaled as I took it all in, everything from the sunlight beginning to peep through the blinds to my children’s slow, relaxed breathing. This is how life was supposed to feel, clear and bright. I remembered how a few years ago I was in such a different place, a dark place. I was so far lost and I did not even know it at that time, drinking away the days for some reason was the way I dealt with myself. I never really liked the light back then, I remember even taping some black gift wrapping paper to my windows because I could not stand to even look at the sun without having the worst migraines. I was fading away.

Now everything is so much brighter. My little family has brought so much happiness and bright colors back to my life. I used to always pray that I would one day feel love, even if it was for a day, and God gave me an amazing husband that loves me for me, and two amazingly beautiful children that love me infinitely. I could not be more grateful. It has not been an easy road however. Even with such amazing people at my side, I still have my own demons to battle with. I decided to stop drinking back in October because I came to a realization that if I cherished what I now had, and wanted to keep it, then I was going to have to stop my wretched habit. For as long as I can remember, I always had to have a drink with me. I do not know why but I felt that if I was going to be anywhere then I wanted to have a good time, and for some reason a good time to me meant alcohol. Well, there was never anything positive that came out of those times. Every single time, it never ended well and yet I was always ready for the next round, the next day. Its as if I was drinking, desperately trying to fill a void inside of me…but it was just too big. I lost so much because of the alcohol, I even almost lost my life. One night I crashed 85mph into the underpass, miraculously I lived. I think I lived because I was meant to be a mother to these two babies.

Fast forward to that night in October, as I was arguing with my husband about the last piece of beef jerky. I was so upset that he had given it to our dog that I was willing to ruin the entire beach getaway because of it. Ridiculous. Pathetic. I never want to feel that way again. I never again want to know the feeling of losing everything because of alcohol. I made the choice to break the chain. I refuse to continue drinking and allowing my children to see that version of myself. I want them to be on a good path and make the best decisions; which means I have to do the same.

Now, six months later I can celebrate that I have not given in. It has not been easy, at all. There have been many times when I want to have a drink, to say FUCK IT and just have one drink…but NO. There have also been a few special occasions such as our anniversary where I really wanted to take a drink to relax. We even got my mother in law to watch the kids…but no, not yet. It’s not the right time. For some reason, whenever I drink I get upset now. So, until I feel like everything is right with me and I have a huge accomplishment to celebrate, I might take a drink. Right now is just not the appropriate time for me, personally to be drinking. I need to get my mind right. Just today I walked down the hallway only to realize that my one year had decided to rip off his diaper and ran around the house until he dropped a poop…right on my bed….right next to his sleeping sister. Every day is so crazy with the babies, there is no room for error; and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are my responsibility and my biggest blessings, I want to make sure that I am always at 100 with them. Right now I am enrolled in Southern New Hampshire University with my program, IDEA-U and I am just so grateful to be where I am right now. I am currently working on my Associates degree but if I continue at the rate I am going, I should have my masters by the time I am thirty years old; I am about to be 28 this year. I am so excited to finally have a clear vision of my path and I am pushing forward with all that I got. I am also working as a Recruitment Intern for IDEA-U so if any of you fellow mommas want to work on your degree from home please let me know and I can get you set up with my director Patti, she’s so great and it is so WORTH IT!! I am not giving up and neither should you…women are powerful and we need to help each other always. YOU GOT THIS LADIES!

Two months sober…& counting..

Momma Bear

This is me checking in, just filling you in on something personal. Two months ago I found myself in a situation where I had been in many times unfortunately. Hungover and regretting my decisions or the things I said the night before, I decided it was time to change, seriously. Being a new mom is a wild experience and it has its roller coaster ride of emotions but there is something about my little girl that just pushes me to be better. I don’t know if it’s because she reminds me of a miniature version of myself, before the world messed me up and I realized the cruelties of life, but I just refuse to mess her up. I took it upon myself to stop drinking COMPLETELY for her. If me not drinking means that she will never taste a drop of alcohol until she is 21 or older then I will gladly do it. I refuse to let her go through all of the things I had to go through because I started drinking at an early age. I refuse. Well anyway, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it has been the easiest of journeys…it seems almost as if life decided to throw all these obstacles at me as soon as I decided to quit drinking. We decided to move a week before Christmas and I swear it has probably been the most stressful time. I had a panic attack in the process of all this and we had family over during Christmas, in this pandemic, and everything has just been freaking me out to the max. I have always had anxiety and depression since I was a teen but I had always coped with it, I guess, or actually hid behind alcohol and substances. Now that I have decided to try and live a healthier lifestyle, the universe decides it’s got jokes for me…being sober is HARD I’m not going to lie. I am not going to tell you that it gets easier as the days go by , as others would like to say, it doesn’t. Every single day you will be faced with stresses, issues, and people that you just want to run away from… but hang in there, please. I have not relapsed, nor do I intend on it. I have had so many opportunities to do so, or even just moments where I have felt like saying “fuck it , I deserve a drink!” , but NO. I refuse to go back, I have come such a long way and my baby girl is so proud of me. I am so proud of me. Every day is a decision made, and I am in control. Mental illness is real, don’t ever let anyone make you feel broken…

Why I chose to stop drinking.

Momma Bear

This isn’t one of my favorite topics to write about because it’s very real for me…but I feel like it’s necessary. Alcohol has never brought me anything good, it has always led me to some sort of problem in the past. Well, ever since I met my husband and we started building our little family I definitely slowed down and even cut out liquor altogether just because I noticed that it wasn’t even worth it anymore, I needed to be 100% for my kids. Well ever since I had my second baby, Noah, my alcohol tolerance has shot down to zero basically. I had been sticking to wine only lately because it seemed like that’s all I could handle but recently, that’s been changing. I noticed that if I ever surpassed my two glasses of wine I would get a strong buzz and would wake up with really bad headaches the next day. If I had a headache then I felt like I couldn’t be the best me I could be with the kids and I didn’t like that. Well, this past weekend my husband and I were able to get away with the kids and my mother in law and we took everybody to the beach. We had the best time but I feel like because I had a couple drinks it led up to probably THE dumbest fight of my life. I ended up getting overly upset because my husband gave our dog, Bunny, the last of my two year old’s beef jerky sticks when we got back from dinner. It had definitely been a stressful day with the drive, the kids, & the dog and I think that one little thing made me just blow up. I ended up making a huge deal out of something that honestly should not have been that big of a deal. I made a mountain out of a mole hill as others would say. Well, anyway, thankfully I quickly realized that the reason I felt SO angry and annoyed was mostly because of the alcohol intake. I hated myself for a moment, I felt like I had ruined the night, the weekend! My husband and I sat quietly in the dark and I gathered myself and put my ego aside, I sincerely apologized to him. I thanked him for being so patient and loving with me, he truly has been such a good partner throughout all of this and I refuse to lose him or my family because of my old ways. I had an epiphany that night that showed me that everything bad I ever got into when I was young, was because of the alcohol. I could keep putting the blame on others or I could start taking responsibility for myself. It was time to make a change, a change I could not bring myself to do before. I really disliked myself that night because that is not the type of person I wanted my children to grow up with so I made the decision to just cut it out of my life. Thankfully that night did not turn out as bad as it could have and I was able to salvage the weekend. I know it has only been a week but I am serious about this next step in my journey. I even read that some people are allergic to alcohol and it causes their hair to fall out, so maybe it will even help in my case with alopecia. Every day is a battle but my family is worth the fight. They are my reason. “One is not enough and two is too many.” , is a quote that always stuck with me…& I intend on sticking with this decision. Someone once told me that alcohol is meant to celebrate something, not just drink it simply just because, and that’s the level I aspire to get to. I will only, MAYBE, enjoy a drink when I have something to celebrate such as my birthday or an anniversary; other than that hello sobriety!