Tag: school

Six months sober; still going!

Momma Bear

Waking up this morning to my two toddlers sleeping next to me, cuddling me, I took the time to just close my eyes and take a deep breath. I slowly exhaled as I took it all in, everything from the sunlight beginning to peep through the blinds to my children’s slow, relaxed breathing. This is how life was supposed to feel, clear and bright. I remembered how a few years ago I was in such a different place, a dark place. I was so far lost and I did not even know it at that time, drinking away the days for some reason was the way I dealt with myself. I never really liked the light back then, I remember even taping some black gift wrapping paper to my windows because I could not stand to even look at the sun without having the worst migraines. I was fading away.

Now everything is so much brighter. My little family has brought so much happiness and bright colors back to my life. I used to always pray that I would one day feel love, even if it was for a day, and God gave me an amazing husband that loves me for me, and two amazingly beautiful children that love me infinitely. I could not be more grateful. It has not been an easy road however. Even with such amazing people at my side, I still have my own demons to battle with. I decided to stop drinking back in October because I came to a realization that if I cherished what I now had, and wanted to keep it, then I was going to have to stop my wretched habit. For as long as I can remember, I always had to have a drink with me. I do not know why but I felt that if I was going to be anywhere then I wanted to have a good time, and for some reason a good time to me meant alcohol. Well, there was never anything positive that came out of those times. Every single time, it never ended well and yet I was always ready for the next round, the next day. Its as if I was drinking, desperately trying to fill a void inside of me…but it was just too big. I lost so much because of the alcohol, I even almost lost my life. One night I crashed 85mph into the underpass, miraculously I lived. I think I lived because I was meant to be a mother to these two babies.

Fast forward to that night in October, as I was arguing with my husband about the last piece of beef jerky. I was so upset that he had given it to our dog that I was willing to ruin the entire beach getaway because of it. Ridiculous. Pathetic. I never want to feel that way again. I never again want to know the feeling of losing everything because of alcohol. I made the choice to break the chain. I refuse to continue drinking and allowing my children to see that version of myself. I want them to be on a good path and make the best decisions; which means I have to do the same.

Now, six months later I can celebrate that I have not given in. It has not been easy, at all. There have been many times when I want to have a drink, to say FUCK IT and just have one drink…but NO. There have also been a few special occasions such as our anniversary where I really wanted to take a drink to relax. We even got my mother in law to watch the kids…but no, not yet. It’s not the right time. For some reason, whenever I drink I get upset now. So, until I feel like everything is right with me and I have a huge accomplishment to celebrate, I might take a drink. Right now is just not the appropriate time for me, personally to be drinking. I need to get my mind right. Just today I walked down the hallway only to realize that my one year had decided to rip off his diaper and ran around the house until he dropped a poop…right on my bed….right next to his sleeping sister. Every day is so crazy with the babies, there is no room for error; and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are my responsibility and my biggest blessings, I want to make sure that I am always at 100 with them. Right now I am enrolled in Southern New Hampshire University with my program, IDEA-U and I am just so grateful to be where I am right now. I am currently working on my Associates degree but if I continue at the rate I am going, I should have my masters by the time I am thirty years old; I am about to be 28 this year. I am so excited to finally have a clear vision of my path and I am pushing forward with all that I got. I am also working as a Recruitment Intern for IDEA-U so if any of you fellow mommas want to work on your degree from home please let me know and I can get you set up with my director Patti, she’s so great and it is so WORTH IT!! I am not giving up and neither should you…women are powerful and we need to help each other always. YOU GOT THIS LADIES!

Just starting at Southern New Hampshire University

Momma Bear

So I did something crazy and signed up for school on top of the many things I have to juggle at the moment. Since the pandemic began I have felt as if time is just soaring past me leaving me behind in its dust. I have yet been able to accomplish graduating from college because of the many things life has thrown at me and the decisions I made in my past, but I am done letting that get in my way. My younger sister, Stephany, had already told me about how she had enrolled in SNHU through a program with IDEA that had really helped her out, she is now working on finishing her masters! It seemed like the best move to make and I tried to enroll two years ago, but it was not the correct timing. Now, fast forward two years and I have another baby and I have so much fire within me to finally finish what I started. I feel like time just keeps getting faster and the time is now. So I enrolled again, with my husband also enrolled and we began this journey together. What is really cool about this time around is that everything is virtual thanks to our beloved COVID, so it makes it a lot easier for me to finish since I do not have to do my school hours at the actual IDEA building. No time to waste! So far I have turned in three projects, which is what you need to turn in to master that class to get a college credit. Well I failed all three by getting a “not yet” which just means that I have not mastered my course, yet. So now I need to go back and correct the things that the reviewer commented on. I have never been good on receiving constructive criticism and this is something very new to me. I have taken this whole day to kind of reflect and think about how I am going to go about this. I just need to suck it up, go back and fix what I have to fix in order to master the project and move on. If I can turn in a minimum of two projects a week I should be graduating with my associates by this October, and I could not be more ready. Sometimes I feel like quitting, but then I look at my two babies and I’m like nooooope girl you better get back to work! I want to give them everything they need and a mother they can look up to and be proud of. They deserve that and much more. I am very grateful also to have my husband going through this journey with me. He will be graduating with his bachelors and then moving on to his masters and he already mastered his first project! I could not be more proud of him for the man he has become. I am overwhelmed and I doubt myself all the time. Sometimes I do not feel like I am smart enough to finish…but I have to keep pushing forward and keep trying. You only fail when you stop trying.