Tag: random

Something is happening.

Momma Bear

My anxiety has been bubbling lately. I can never really seem to put my finger on it, the reason why I always feel like the sky is falling. I do not even remember the day I began feeling this way, but I know it was not always this way. Honestly, I used to be one of those people that did not believe anxiety was a real thing, weak people made anxiety up as an excuse to not being able to deal or cope with their realities. Well, I was very wrong because soon enough it began happening to me and let me tell you, anxiety is a real thing; one hundred percent. I have been trying to find ways to deal with it and in a way where my kids do not really notice what is going on because I do not want to rub off on them. I want them to be brave and fearless, not crippled by anxiety…like me.

I don’t know what it is. Before, the anxiety would come rarely and in the most random of times. Now, I feel like I am at the tippy top of the world’s highest roller coaster, just waiting to plummet back down…but I never fall. I just feel like I’m about to fall and the terror never simmers away, it’s constantly there. I feel like something terrible is about to happen, all of the time. I can’t explain why or what triggers me to feel this way but I feel it in the air as well. I know it sounds kind of looney, but I swear the atmosphere feels off lately; like the planet has anxiety. Something isn’t right and I think I’m such an empath that the imbalance within the world and the people truly has an effect on me physically. I just feel like there is something I need to do and I can not figure out what it is. I am just trying my ultimate best to be the best mom, be the best me I can be because I feel like we are running out of time. Why? I don’t know. It is just an urgency I feel within me to get as much done as I can, yet sit still and enjoy every waking moment. Taking it all in, the smells of my sleeping babies as the morning begins, the sounds of their laughter as I smother them with tickles and kisses, and the feeling of love flowing within our family when we are all together. It feels infinite, WE are infinite, and I am certain to my core that no matter what lifetime that we will always find one another.

So, I do not know what the future will hold or why I was dealt the anxiety card but I promise I’ll overcome it. I overcome the anxiety beast every single day, it seems. I refuse to allow it to control me or to pass it down to my kids. I will continue searching for ways to live with this and avoiding things that trigger the panic. So far I have noticed that coffee definitely is the number one trigger for me. If I do not eat by noon or 1pm I also begin to feel like I am about to go into an anxiety attack, and also not drinking enough water. I never used to be this way, sometimes I worry that something is wrong me physically…but I do not want to go down that rabbit hole. Driving sometimes can be a trigger, I have to focus on the brake lights of the cars or turn on the music and sing, loud. Don’t judge. Anxiety is real, and something is happening in the world, now all I can do is keep surviving and fighting everyday because I need to be the hero my kids think I am.

As you sleep..

Momma Bear

Endless thoughts keep rushing in my mind like a loud waterfall I can never really seem to escape from. It always seems to be so loud in here and it’s been this way for as long as I can remember. In the deafening silence from lying wide awake at 4am, I notice the sound of you breathing next to me. My little boy, you have only been in my life for two years and already I know that you were the missing piece. You are what I had been searching for for so long and I just never knew it.

The sound of your peaceful breathing next to me reminds me that there is always something to fight for in the world, as long as there is love. Love is the feeling I get when I look into your beautiful, big, brown eyes or when you place your tiny, chubby hands on the sides of my face before you drift off to sleep. In a world full of darkness with a humanity that is quickly losing faith in itself, you my love, are a breath of fresh air. The grand amount of light and love you carry within your little body is what this world needs to keep going.

I truly do not know what I did right to deserve you and your sister but I am eternally grateful to God for allowing me to be your mommy in this lifetime and I promise you guys that I will find you in every lifetime to come. You are what brought me to life when I had already decided that there was no more life within me and I was just ready for whatever horrible tragedy was to become of me. You brought out the greatness in me, the mother goddess warrior, and I am ready to fight for you always. I truly believe you will make this world a better place and you have so much to offer.

I am terrified of what this world is becoming and for bringing you into this. You are too pure to be brought up in this chaos, but I know that you will be a light in this darkness just as you have been the lighthouse that brought me home. The love I have for you is beyond infinite and I can not wait to see what magic you bring into this life my baby.

Holiday Blues

Momma Bear

People seem to be the saddest this time of year. Sure, it seems like half of the planet is engulfed in Christmas time cheer and so focused on whose gift is going to be the best; it’s nauseating. For me, personally, the holidays have never really been the cheeriest days of the year. I tend to feel more on the blue side and find myself sort of going through the motions. I do not know if it would be because my childhood memories are not filled with big family gatherings and cousins my age running wild, filling the home with laughter and joy. It was actually quite the opposite, everything was always so quiet and gloomy for some reason. It was rare if my father made it home on time for us to eat dinner, and as soon as he did get home, everything seemed to go from gloom to tense and rushed. I always remember sitting in my room by myself most Christmas Eves and watching the cheesy holiday movies, thinking to myself how cool it must be to have a big family and actually create fun memories like that.

Fast forward to now, and I find myself being a full on grown up. I made it to twenty eight years of life and I find myself laughing because I remember at one point, I never even believed I was going to make it twenty five. I have been blessed enough to have made it through the struggles life threw at me and I never gave in to the voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough, I kept pushing and believing. Now, I have my own beautiful little family. I have my amazing husband that I call my unicorn, because there is no way that he is real, he was made just for me. He loves me so much, even in the moments when I do not care to love myself. Together we created two amazing little humans, Luna and Noah, and now I get to celebrate the holidays the way the people in the movies do. This marriage has allowed for our family to grow and now we all get together and create memories with the babies, I could not ask for more; my heart is so full!

My husband has found a job that seems to be the answer to all of our prayers, and I could not be more grateful for the work that he does. It is a little difficult for me because this means he has to be away from us, sometimes for months at a time and it so hard on us all because we miss him so much. The gloom sets in again. Slowly, yet tactfully filling up the depths of my mind….why am I like this? Why can I not ever just be fully happy and focus on the amazing things. I have to try real hard not to let myself get asphyxiated by the sad gloomy thoughts. The babies make it easy because they bring such a tremendous amount of joy into my days, I just can not wait for the day when we can all be together again. Being an adult is hard and I do not recall the moment I suddenly crossed the bridge from living so carelessly to now having to deal with all of the stresses and emotions that come with adulting, and motherhood… oh motherhood is a tough bitch…but it has made me so much stronger and loving than I ever thought I could be…sorry for the random rant, I just have a lot in my head lately.

You Are…

Momma Bear

You are everywhere. You are the reason behind…everything I do really. I do not even think that you have, or will ever have any idea how much you motivate me every single day. You may not be aware of it but every single day, every choice I make, every work out I do, every extra mile I go; you are behind it all. I just want to make you so proud. You have made me so incredibly proud and I just know that you are going to do amazing things in your life. I close my eyes and I imagine you off on some spectacular adventure, living your dreams, & being surrounded by nothing but love and happiness; that’s what I want for you. For many years many have tried to get me to understand their reasonings. For so long many have begged me to change my ways or to live my life a certain way and I have never once found a reason to change a thing about myself. I was content living my life the way I was, always putting myself first, and never caring about anybody else at all. But then, you came along… with that captivating smile and those deep dark eyes that I can not help but to get lost in them. You have always mesmerized me. Your laugh is music to my ears and I will continue to push myself to live my best life and staying on the right track. I would do anything as long as it ensures that you bless me with your smiles and your vibrant personality. I would do anything for you. You have impacted me more than anything or anyone I have ever come across. You are amazing…Your life is a gift to this earth and I just hope you know how much you mean to me…you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I will continue to push through and fight every single day for you. I just want you to be proud of me…you are, and always will be absolutely everything to me.