Tag: personal

Patty’s Pops

Momma Bear

Have you ever craved something cold and sweet but stayed away because of the insane sugar content or other unhealthy ingredients they contain? Or maybe you went ahead and indulged and felt instantly guilty right after because of all of the calories and sugar you just injected? Well, look no further because Patty’s Pops is coming to a town near you and you will NOT be disappointed!

Patty’s Pops will have a variety of delicious popsicles that are made fresh every single day with only organic fruits and vegetables. There will be a different variety of flavors every week and a tasty treat for every palate. Our ingredients are fresh, farm to table, and they will not disappoint. So next time you are craving something sweet and cold to battle the blistering heat ahead and head over to Patty’s Pops and live life guilt free!

On my mind

Momma Bear

You’re on my mind more than you should be. I think about you every single hour of every single day, there are no breaks. It can get overwhelming at times, I feel like I can’t breathe. I try to keep myself busy throughout the day so that my brain does not have the time, or luxury to stop and dwell on how badly I miss you. The nights are the worst though, I have no control over my dreams and they feel so real. It’s almost as if it’s an alternate life and you’re right there , so close but so far at the same time. We are happy and together. I always complain about how busy and loud my days turn out to be, but honestly, I love it because they keep me distracted from the pain of you not being here.

It’s only when the late night hours come around and everyone’s asleep that the thoughts creep in and start to slowly take over every cell in my body. It’s so quiet but my thoughts are so loud, it’s like they’re screaming. What I would do to be able to feel you close to me, cuddled close, skin to skin the way we used to be before the world got real and decided to tear us apart. Nothing could bother us, even when both of our worlds seemed to be falling apart it was ok because we had each other and just the scent of your skin could keep me calm. I can not wait for our worlds to collapse into each other again and we can find the peace that only we could bring to one another once again. I love you and everything that I do to better myself is for you, and because of you.

Update on my anxiety…

Momma Bear

A couple months ago it seemed like my panic attacks had come to a peak. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart beating out of my chest and finding it difficult to breathe. I would lay awake for hours just trying to breathe deeply and calm myself as I tried to sleep whatever hours that I could because I knew that my kids would wake up soon and it would be go time from there until they fell asleep at night. The mornings would begin and I would usually have a debilitating headache and a feeling of impending doom. Why? I don’t know but it was getting unbearable. I always felt like when you are about neck deep in a cold pool and you feel like the breath is being taken out of you, or when you are about to do something bad that you know aren’t supposed to be doing; that loud and pounding heart feeling. Sometimes it would get so bad that all I could manage to do in an entire day was make some grilled cheese for the kids and then curl up in a ball on the carpet on the living room floor, wrapped up in my favorite blanket to keep the panic levels down. I was really getting concerned about my health and convinced myself that something must be terribly wrong with me if I was feeling like that every single day and I finally worked up the courage to make an appointment with my doctor so they could take blood out and check all my levels.

I asked my mom to come over and watch the kids so I could go get myself checked out and she agreed right away because apparently my whole family was getting worried about my situation. My biggest fear was that something terrible would happen to me and nobody would even know for hours, since my husband has been working out of state, I was horrified at the thought of my babies being left alone and scared because something happened to me. Anyway, I went to the doctor and they took out five vials of blood to check my hormones, my thyroid, my white blood cell count, if I was anemic, etc. A week later they called me in to go over my results and the doctor informed me that I was absolutely, perfectly healthy. There was nothing wrong with me physically and all of my levels were off the chart amazing. Relieved, yet confused I slumped in my chair and asked the doctor what she recommended next. She said that it seemed as if everything might be in my head, she asked me if I suffered from anxiety or depression and I told her all about my first panic attack that sent me to the emergency room only because I was convinced I was going into cardiac arrest. In the emergency room, embarrassingly, they told me that I was just having a panic attack and I needed to hydrate more and they just shrugged me off. It had been two years since that first panic attack, and there I was still trying to figure out what to do. The doctor referred me to a cardiologist so that they can run some tests and see if the heart palpitations were because of an actual problem with my heart or if it was ‘all in my head’. My doctor seemed convinced that I am suffering from depression and that is what is bringing on these random panic attacks…depressed? I have never been happier or in a better place in my life…I do miss my husband terribly but he will coming home soon and the kids and I will most likely be traveling up with him on his next assignment. Which is cool because we will be able to explore the country a little bit and the kids will get to see places they otherwise never would. It will be an adventure! Sure, the world is going to shit and we are probably about to go into our Third World War, but other than that I feel ‘normal’?

I recently went to the cardiologist, waited FOUR hours to be seen and there they performed an EKG on me and said that everything looked relatively normal. There were a couple spikes that they want to look further into, but for the most part the cardiologist said I seemed to be healthy. He set me up for another appointment to perform an ultrasound of my heart and a stress test, not too excited about that. Those results will determine whether the palpitations are being caused by one of the valves in my heart not opening and closing properly or if it really is just ‘all in my head’. Gosh, I am so tired of hearing that. He even recommended me smoking a joint, which made me giggle to myself because if only he knew that in my past that was always my go to medication. However, he said since it is not legal here, he could not legally advise me to do that. I am not comfortable with taking prescription medications, personally, because in my past I had a problem with that…I definitely do not want to play with fire and mess around with prescription medications for anxiety and/or depression. I am going to get those tests done and see what the results are and then go on from there. If it is all in my head how they all seem to keep telling me, then I am just going to stay strong and ride the waves of my panic attacks as they come. Mind over matter. Knowing that my body is perfectly healthy and that I am not going to go into cardiac arrest is highly reassuring and I think I will be able to calm myself through the storms on my own… wish me luck guys!

I finally found the hair products that work for me!

Momma Bear

As some of you all know, I have been dealing with alopecia since I was 21 years old. I am about to be 29 in July and to this day no one has been able to tell me exactly what is the cause of the alopecia or how to treat it. It has been the most annoying and emotionally tumultuous roller coaster ride in my life honestly. I have looked high and low for a solution to my problem and I have not been able to find anything that truly works , or that is healthy for me. I started going to the dermatologist as soon as the issue began and first they prescribed a strange cream to put on the spots that would appear, but it was so greasy and it just ended up making my hair fall out worse. The next thing the dermatologist tried was giving me corticosteroid injections on my scalp, I would have to go every three months and get at least 20 injections at a time. That method worked somewhat, but it was extremely painful and it was not really the healthiest thing. The latest thing I tried, and spent thousands of dollars on, was laser hair therapy. I would have to go twice a week for thirty minutes and sit in a chair while the red laser lights soaked up in my scalp in addition to taking vitamins that the doctor prescribed and applying minoxidil on the spots twice a day. The laser hair therapy seemed to be working but when I asked the doctor what he would recommend after the six month treatment was over, I was a little disappointed to hear that if I chose to discontinue the treatment then all of the progress I made would go back to square one. I was devastated because it seemed like I had finally found the remedy to my problems but I did not want to keep applying minoxidil to my scalp because there are harmful chemicals in there that can really cause some harm in the long run. Plus, going to the doctor twice a week with two toddlers is definitely not easy so I decided to quit the treatment when the six months were over, and as expected, a BUNCH of my hair fell out.

I was back to being depressed and felt like there was no way out of this. Well, one day I was scrolling through instagram and I came across a post that claimed to be selling ‘real organic’ hair products. I had a heart full of doubt but I decided to explore the page a bit more and was very pleased with what I saw. It seemed too good to be true but I sent the user a direct message and told her about my situation and asked about her products. Her name is Clarissa and she was so nice and attentive to me, she took the time to explain to me in detail what each of her products was for and exactly what ingredients went into making each product. She was very authentic and honest about her products and she had plenty of before and after pictures on her page, I felt safe and determined to give her products a try. Clarissa is from New York City and she started her business from the ground up in the midst of the COVID pandemic, she has the best heart and she has a true passion for what she does; truly inspiring! Her business also offers amazing, organic bars of soap that help with any skin issues that you may have. Acne? No problem. stretch marks or dark spots? She has it all! Clarissa always takes the time to respond to whatever question I may have and I have come to see her as a friend and a gift from above because her hair products are actually 100 percent organic and they have helped my hair incredibly. My hair has never felt or looked healthier and it does not fall out anywhere as much as it used to. All of my spots have little baby hairs growing in them and I honestly have not been happier with my hair since this whole nightmare began. By these products restoring my hair they also restored my confidence and my mental Heath as well! Thank you Clarissa for doing what you do and may God bless your hands and your amazing business! If you are interested in exploring more of the amazing products she has to offer check her out @clarissa_organics go show her some love and support, she truly is the best!

Homeschooling journey begins

Momma Bear

The time has finally come. My little Luna is going to be four years old this April and I just can’t handle it. I am amazed at how quickly the time has gone by, and saddened at the same time. It’s very bittersweet for me because my little girl is growing. She is so smart, so amazing, so intelligent and she is just a little fireball of bravery and magic; she’s my best friend. Somehow time slipped through my fingers throughout all these amazing moments and memories and now I was faced with the question I have been dodging for months now. When is Luna starting school?

I knew I was going to have to come up with a plan and soon because time was just passing me by and Luna just seems to get smarter by the day. I swear she’s like a little sponge, so ready to absorb all the knowledge possible. After lots of consideration, research, and analyzing the contagion we are currently living in, my husband and I decided that we were going to homeschool our kids; at least for now. They are so little and nobody seems to really know what is going on with this whole COVID thing, it’s ridiculous, I am so sick of this alternate reality we seemed to accidentally slip into. I would love for my babies to live a normal life and attend school like we all did when we were small. Sure I hated going to school but I was young and didn’t know the craziness that we would one day be forced to face. Oh the things we all took for granted…

Anyway, I researched for months and came to a curriculum called Time4Learning and I really like the way they do their lessons. Since I am new to this homeschooling realm I feel like this curriculum is perfect for us because it is easy to navigate through and Luna is captivated by the lessons and activities they have to offer. At first I thought I was going to have to buy her an IPad or something because she would have difficulty using my MacBook, but surprisingly she navigated through her lessons quite well today. Today was her first day and she completed two Math lessons and two Science lessons,; I could not be more proud. My little bug is growing up so quickly, I can not even remember the moment she went from baby to toddler, and now I feel like she’s hopping over from toddler to a full on kid! She challenges me and teaches me things every single day, she is literally the most amazing girl ever.

If we continue to find success in this program then I will enroll Noah next year. He just turned two so he is still too little. Noah sat down next to Luna during her math lesson, looked at it for a few seconds and goes ‘’mama me play ball hallway”, and I just giggled to myself and told him to go ahead. My little boy, he melts my heart. Noah is very supportive of his sister Luna and her homeschool journey, he is full of nothing but love. So wish me luck guys. It does get a little frustrating at times , but that is because I am literally learning along with her and I try my very best to ensure she has the best experience possible during her schooling time because if I make her feel anxious or stressed out in any kind of way during her learning, then she might shut down and not want to try. I know we can do this! ♥️

Something is happening.

Momma Bear

My anxiety has been bubbling lately. I can never really seem to put my finger on it, the reason why I always feel like the sky is falling. I do not even remember the day I began feeling this way, but I know it was not always this way. Honestly, I used to be one of those people that did not believe anxiety was a real thing, weak people made anxiety up as an excuse to not being able to deal or cope with their realities. Well, I was very wrong because soon enough it began happening to me and let me tell you, anxiety is a real thing; one hundred percent. I have been trying to find ways to deal with it and in a way where my kids do not really notice what is going on because I do not want to rub off on them. I want them to be brave and fearless, not crippled by anxiety…like me.

I don’t know what it is. Before, the anxiety would come rarely and in the most random of times. Now, I feel like I am at the tippy top of the world’s highest roller coaster, just waiting to plummet back down…but I never fall. I just feel like I’m about to fall and the terror never simmers away, it’s constantly there. I feel like something terrible is about to happen, all of the time. I can’t explain why or what triggers me to feel this way but I feel it in the air as well. I know it sounds kind of looney, but I swear the atmosphere feels off lately; like the planet has anxiety. Something isn’t right and I think I’m such an empath that the imbalance within the world and the people truly has an effect on me physically. I just feel like there is something I need to do and I can not figure out what it is. I am just trying my ultimate best to be the best mom, be the best me I can be because I feel like we are running out of time. Why? I don’t know. It is just an urgency I feel within me to get as much done as I can, yet sit still and enjoy every waking moment. Taking it all in, the smells of my sleeping babies as the morning begins, the sounds of their laughter as I smother them with tickles and kisses, and the feeling of love flowing within our family when we are all together. It feels infinite, WE are infinite, and I am certain to my core that no matter what lifetime that we will always find one another.

So, I do not know what the future will hold or why I was dealt the anxiety card but I promise I’ll overcome it. I overcome the anxiety beast every single day, it seems. I refuse to allow it to control me or to pass it down to my kids. I will continue searching for ways to live with this and avoiding things that trigger the panic. So far I have noticed that coffee definitely is the number one trigger for me. If I do not eat by noon or 1pm I also begin to feel like I am about to go into an anxiety attack, and also not drinking enough water. I never used to be this way, sometimes I worry that something is wrong me physically…but I do not want to go down that rabbit hole. Driving sometimes can be a trigger, I have to focus on the brake lights of the cars or turn on the music and sing, loud. Don’t judge. Anxiety is real, and something is happening in the world, now all I can do is keep surviving and fighting everyday because I need to be the hero my kids think I am.

Holiday Blues

Momma Bear

People seem to be the saddest this time of year. Sure, it seems like half of the planet is engulfed in Christmas time cheer and so focused on whose gift is going to be the best; it’s nauseating. For me, personally, the holidays have never really been the cheeriest days of the year. I tend to feel more on the blue side and find myself sort of going through the motions. I do not know if it would be because my childhood memories are not filled with big family gatherings and cousins my age running wild, filling the home with laughter and joy. It was actually quite the opposite, everything was always so quiet and gloomy for some reason. It was rare if my father made it home on time for us to eat dinner, and as soon as he did get home, everything seemed to go from gloom to tense and rushed. I always remember sitting in my room by myself most Christmas Eves and watching the cheesy holiday movies, thinking to myself how cool it must be to have a big family and actually create fun memories like that.

Fast forward to now, and I find myself being a full on grown up. I made it to twenty eight years of life and I find myself laughing because I remember at one point, I never even believed I was going to make it twenty five. I have been blessed enough to have made it through the struggles life threw at me and I never gave in to the voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough, I kept pushing and believing. Now, I have my own beautiful little family. I have my amazing husband that I call my unicorn, because there is no way that he is real, he was made just for me. He loves me so much, even in the moments when I do not care to love myself. Together we created two amazing little humans, Luna and Noah, and now I get to celebrate the holidays the way the people in the movies do. This marriage has allowed for our family to grow and now we all get together and create memories with the babies, I could not ask for more; my heart is so full!

My husband has found a job that seems to be the answer to all of our prayers, and I could not be more grateful for the work that he does. It is a little difficult for me because this means he has to be away from us, sometimes for months at a time and it so hard on us all because we miss him so much. The gloom sets in again. Slowly, yet tactfully filling up the depths of my mind….why am I like this? Why can I not ever just be fully happy and focus on the amazing things. I have to try real hard not to let myself get asphyxiated by the sad gloomy thoughts. The babies make it easy because they bring such a tremendous amount of joy into my days, I just can not wait for the day when we can all be together again. Being an adult is hard and I do not recall the moment I suddenly crossed the bridge from living so carelessly to now having to deal with all of the stresses and emotions that come with adulting, and motherhood… oh motherhood is a tough bitch…but it has made me so much stronger and loving than I ever thought I could be…sorry for the random rant, I just have a lot in my head lately.

I started laser hair therapy!

Momma Bear

As you all may know, or not know, I have been dealing with alopecia areota since I was about to turn 21 years old; it has been a really crazy ride! I have tried millions of things to keep my hair from falling out and to regrow my hair, but nothing ever seems to stick…super frustrating. I’ve tried coconut oil, rosemary oil, I’ve rubbed egg on my head, I’ve even been getting cortesoid steroid injections to my scalp for a few years now and NOTHING WORKS. No one can tell me WHY this is happening or how to stop it and it has been just such an irritating problem. Having to deal with this situation has definitely changed me entirely, I feel like I have gone into hiding and my depression got really bad at one point honestly. My husband and kids are really the only things motivating me every day to keep going and not worry about my hair. They have saved me from myself and motivate me to just keep living my life and breaking glass ceilings! Well, about a year ago my husband and I were driving around town and we saw a clinic that said “Hair Loss Control Clinic” and it caught my eye but I never even dared to think about it because I had a feeling it would cost us a pretty penny. Recently however, I decided to just give them a call and see what they had to offer and when the receptionist told me the consultation was free and they offered payment plans, I thought “Why the hell not?” I set it up and my mom was nice enough to tag along with me because I needed her to stay in the car and watch my two kids since they were not allowed in the clinic, due to COVID safety precautions of course.

I walked in the clinic and everything just felt right, I felt like this might be the place that changes my life; but I was still very skeptical because I did not know anything about the treatments they would recommend or their prices. After my consultation, which was really quick thank goodness, the doctor recommended their hair treatments, along with a shampoo, and vitamins and laser hair therapy. The doctor raves about the products, showed me pictures of before and after the six month treatment, and guaranteed me a 93% success rate among the patients. I was sold. I ended up agreeing to the six month treatment, along with the hair treatments, and it came out to $1500. I was so surprised because I honestly thought I was going to walk out with a $5,000 quote, but no!! I ran outside to tell my mom and she were bursting with joy and gratitude because it finally felt as if this horrible problem will soon go away! This has been something that has been affecting my life and the lives of my loved ones for a long time now and I am so ready to kick it in the ass! I just completed my first week of laser hair therapy, it’s two sessions a week for the first couple of months and then it’s once a week. I know, how tedious, but if it works it’ll all be worth it to me! I am so grateful to my mother for helping me with this journey , and I will be keeping you guys updated with pictures as well!

Second sesh of laser hair therapy!

The laser hair therapy itself is so cool! It takes 30 minutes and they just sit you down in a private room with a TV and you literally just hang out while this machine is over your head, kind of like the ones at the salon but these use a red laser light that is supposed to stimulate your hair follicles to grow! It irradiates photons into scalp tissue and they are supposed to be absorbed by the weaker scalp skin cells and stimulates the growth, super sciencey and cool! I am just so excited to try something new and being very optimistic about it.

Six months sober; still going!

Momma Bear

Waking up this morning to my two toddlers sleeping next to me, cuddling me, I took the time to just close my eyes and take a deep breath. I slowly exhaled as I took it all in, everything from the sunlight beginning to peep through the blinds to my children’s slow, relaxed breathing. This is how life was supposed to feel, clear and bright. I remembered how a few years ago I was in such a different place, a dark place. I was so far lost and I did not even know it at that time, drinking away the days for some reason was the way I dealt with myself. I never really liked the light back then, I remember even taping some black gift wrapping paper to my windows because I could not stand to even look at the sun without having the worst migraines. I was fading away.

Now everything is so much brighter. My little family has brought so much happiness and bright colors back to my life. I used to always pray that I would one day feel love, even if it was for a day, and God gave me an amazing husband that loves me for me, and two amazingly beautiful children that love me infinitely. I could not be more grateful. It has not been an easy road however. Even with such amazing people at my side, I still have my own demons to battle with. I decided to stop drinking back in October because I came to a realization that if I cherished what I now had, and wanted to keep it, then I was going to have to stop my wretched habit. For as long as I can remember, I always had to have a drink with me. I do not know why but I felt that if I was going to be anywhere then I wanted to have a good time, and for some reason a good time to me meant alcohol. Well, there was never anything positive that came out of those times. Every single time, it never ended well and yet I was always ready for the next round, the next day. Its as if I was drinking, desperately trying to fill a void inside of me…but it was just too big. I lost so much because of the alcohol, I even almost lost my life. One night I crashed 85mph into the underpass, miraculously I lived. I think I lived because I was meant to be a mother to these two babies.

Fast forward to that night in October, as I was arguing with my husband about the last piece of beef jerky. I was so upset that he had given it to our dog that I was willing to ruin the entire beach getaway because of it. Ridiculous. Pathetic. I never want to feel that way again. I never again want to know the feeling of losing everything because of alcohol. I made the choice to break the chain. I refuse to continue drinking and allowing my children to see that version of myself. I want them to be on a good path and make the best decisions; which means I have to do the same.

Now, six months later I can celebrate that I have not given in. It has not been easy, at all. There have been many times when I want to have a drink, to say FUCK IT and just have one drink…but NO. There have also been a few special occasions such as our anniversary where I really wanted to take a drink to relax. We even got my mother in law to watch the kids…but no, not yet. It’s not the right time. For some reason, whenever I drink I get upset now. So, until I feel like everything is right with me and I have a huge accomplishment to celebrate, I might take a drink. Right now is just not the appropriate time for me, personally to be drinking. I need to get my mind right. Just today I walked down the hallway only to realize that my one year had decided to rip off his diaper and ran around the house until he dropped a poop…right on my bed….right next to his sleeping sister. Every day is so crazy with the babies, there is no room for error; and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are my responsibility and my biggest blessings, I want to make sure that I am always at 100 with them. Right now I am enrolled in Southern New Hampshire University with my program, IDEA-U and I am just so grateful to be where I am right now. I am currently working on my Associates degree but if I continue at the rate I am going, I should have my masters by the time I am thirty years old; I am about to be 28 this year. I am so excited to finally have a clear vision of my path and I am pushing forward with all that I got. I am also working as a Recruitment Intern for IDEA-U so if any of you fellow mommas want to work on your degree from home please let me know and I can get you set up with my director Patti, she’s so great and it is so WORTH IT!! I am not giving up and neither should you…women are powerful and we need to help each other always. YOU GOT THIS LADIES!

Just starting at Southern New Hampshire University

Momma Bear

So I did something crazy and signed up for school on top of the many things I have to juggle at the moment. Since the pandemic began I have felt as if time is just soaring past me leaving me behind in its dust. I have yet been able to accomplish graduating from college because of the many things life has thrown at me and the decisions I made in my past, but I am done letting that get in my way. My younger sister, Stephany, had already told me about how she had enrolled in SNHU through a program with IDEA that had really helped her out, she is now working on finishing her masters! It seemed like the best move to make and I tried to enroll two years ago, but it was not the correct timing. Now, fast forward two years and I have another baby and I have so much fire within me to finally finish what I started. I feel like time just keeps getting faster and the time is now. So I enrolled again, with my husband also enrolled and we began this journey together. What is really cool about this time around is that everything is virtual thanks to our beloved COVID, so it makes it a lot easier for me to finish since I do not have to do my school hours at the actual IDEA building. No time to waste! So far I have turned in three projects, which is what you need to turn in to master that class to get a college credit. Well I failed all three by getting a “not yet” which just means that I have not mastered my course, yet. So now I need to go back and correct the things that the reviewer commented on. I have never been good on receiving constructive criticism and this is something very new to me. I have taken this whole day to kind of reflect and think about how I am going to go about this. I just need to suck it up, go back and fix what I have to fix in order to master the project and move on. If I can turn in a minimum of two projects a week I should be graduating with my associates by this October, and I could not be more ready. Sometimes I feel like quitting, but then I look at my two babies and I’m like nooooope girl you better get back to work! I want to give them everything they need and a mother they can look up to and be proud of. They deserve that and much more. I am very grateful also to have my husband going through this journey with me. He will be graduating with his bachelors and then moving on to his masters and he already mastered his first project! I could not be more proud of him for the man he has become. I am overwhelmed and I doubt myself all the time. Sometimes I do not feel like I am smart enough to finish…but I have to keep pushing forward and keep trying. You only fail when you stop trying.