Tag: my truth

Just starting at Southern New Hampshire University

Momma Bear

So I did something crazy and signed up for school on top of the many things I have to juggle at the moment. Since the pandemic began I have felt as if time is just soaring past me leaving me behind in its dust. I have yet been able to accomplish graduating from college because of the many things life has thrown at me and the decisions I made in my past, but I am done letting that get in my way. My younger sister, Stephany, had already told me about how she had enrolled in SNHU through a program with IDEA that had really helped her out, she is now working on finishing her masters! It seemed like the best move to make and I tried to enroll two years ago, but it was not the correct timing. Now, fast forward two years and I have another baby and I have so much fire within me to finally finish what I started. I feel like time just keeps getting faster and the time is now. So I enrolled again, with my husband also enrolled and we began this journey together. What is really cool about this time around is that everything is virtual thanks to our beloved COVID, so it makes it a lot easier for me to finish since I do not have to do my school hours at the actual IDEA building. No time to waste! So far I have turned in three projects, which is what you need to turn in to master that class to get a college credit. Well I failed all three by getting a “not yet” which just means that I have not mastered my course, yet. So now I need to go back and correct the things that the reviewer commented on. I have never been good on receiving constructive criticism and this is something very new to me. I have taken this whole day to kind of reflect and think about how I am going to go about this. I just need to suck it up, go back and fix what I have to fix in order to master the project and move on. If I can turn in a minimum of two projects a week I should be graduating with my associates by this October, and I could not be more ready. Sometimes I feel like quitting, but then I look at my two babies and I’m like nooooope girl you better get back to work! I want to give them everything they need and a mother they can look up to and be proud of. They deserve that and much more. I am very grateful also to have my husband going through this journey with me. He will be graduating with his bachelors and then moving on to his masters and he already mastered his first project! I could not be more proud of him for the man he has become. I am overwhelmed and I doubt myself all the time. Sometimes I do not feel like I am smart enough to finish…but I have to keep pushing forward and keep trying. You only fail when you stop trying.

You Are…

Momma Bear

You are everywhere. You are the reason behind…everything I do really. I do not even think that you have, or will ever have any idea how much you motivate me every single day. You may not be aware of it but every single day, every choice I make, every work out I do, every extra mile I go; you are behind it all. I just want to make you so proud. You have made me so incredibly proud and I just know that you are going to do amazing things in your life. I close my eyes and I imagine you off on some spectacular adventure, living your dreams, & being surrounded by nothing but love and happiness; that’s what I want for you. For many years many have tried to get me to understand their reasonings. For so long many have begged me to change my ways or to live my life a certain way and I have never once found a reason to change a thing about myself. I was content living my life the way I was, always putting myself first, and never caring about anybody else at all. But then, you came along… with that captivating smile and those deep dark eyes that I can not help but to get lost in them. You have always mesmerized me. Your laugh is music to my ears and I will continue to push myself to live my best life and staying on the right track. I would do anything as long as it ensures that you bless me with your smiles and your vibrant personality. I would do anything for you. You have impacted me more than anything or anyone I have ever come across. You are amazing…Your life is a gift to this earth and I just hope you know how much you mean to me…you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I will continue to push through and fight every single day for you. I just want you to be proud of me…you are, and always will be absolutely everything to me.

Two months sober…& counting..

Momma Bear

This is me checking in, just filling you in on something personal. Two months ago I found myself in a situation where I had been in many times unfortunately. Hungover and regretting my decisions or the things I said the night before, I decided it was time to change, seriously. Being a new mom is a wild experience and it has its roller coaster ride of emotions but there is something about my little girl that just pushes me to be better. I don’t know if it’s because she reminds me of a miniature version of myself, before the world messed me up and I realized the cruelties of life, but I just refuse to mess her up. I took it upon myself to stop drinking COMPLETELY for her. If me not drinking means that she will never taste a drop of alcohol until she is 21 or older then I will gladly do it. I refuse to let her go through all of the things I had to go through because I started drinking at an early age. I refuse. Well anyway, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it has been the easiest of journeys…it seems almost as if life decided to throw all these obstacles at me as soon as I decided to quit drinking. We decided to move a week before Christmas and I swear it has probably been the most stressful time. I had a panic attack in the process of all this and we had family over during Christmas, in this pandemic, and everything has just been freaking me out to the max. I have always had anxiety and depression since I was a teen but I had always coped with it, I guess, or actually hid behind alcohol and substances. Now that I have decided to try and live a healthier lifestyle, the universe decides it’s got jokes for me…being sober is HARD I’m not going to lie. I am not going to tell you that it gets easier as the days go by , as others would like to say, it doesn’t. Every single day you will be faced with stresses, issues, and people that you just want to run away from… but hang in there, please. I have not relapsed, nor do I intend on it. I have had so many opportunities to do so, or even just moments where I have felt like saying “fuck it , I deserve a drink!” , but NO. I refuse to go back, I have come such a long way and my baby girl is so proud of me. I am so proud of me. Every day is a decision made, and I am in control. Mental illness is real, don’t ever let anyone make you feel broken…

Why I chose to stop drinking.

Momma Bear

This isn’t one of my favorite topics to write about because it’s very real for me…but I feel like it’s necessary. Alcohol has never brought me anything good, it has always led me to some sort of problem in the past. Well, ever since I met my husband and we started building our little family I definitely slowed down and even cut out liquor altogether just because I noticed that it wasn’t even worth it anymore, I needed to be 100% for my kids. Well ever since I had my second baby, Noah, my alcohol tolerance has shot down to zero basically. I had been sticking to wine only lately because it seemed like that’s all I could handle but recently, that’s been changing. I noticed that if I ever surpassed my two glasses of wine I would get a strong buzz and would wake up with really bad headaches the next day. If I had a headache then I felt like I couldn’t be the best me I could be with the kids and I didn’t like that. Well, this past weekend my husband and I were able to get away with the kids and my mother in law and we took everybody to the beach. We had the best time but I feel like because I had a couple drinks it led up to probably THE dumbest fight of my life. I ended up getting overly upset because my husband gave our dog, Bunny, the last of my two year old’s beef jerky sticks when we got back from dinner. It had definitely been a stressful day with the drive, the kids, & the dog and I think that one little thing made me just blow up. I ended up making a huge deal out of something that honestly should not have been that big of a deal. I made a mountain out of a mole hill as others would say. Well, anyway, thankfully I quickly realized that the reason I felt SO angry and annoyed was mostly because of the alcohol intake. I hated myself for a moment, I felt like I had ruined the night, the weekend! My husband and I sat quietly in the dark and I gathered myself and put my ego aside, I sincerely apologized to him. I thanked him for being so patient and loving with me, he truly has been such a good partner throughout all of this and I refuse to lose him or my family because of my old ways. I had an epiphany that night that showed me that everything bad I ever got into when I was young, was because of the alcohol. I could keep putting the blame on others or I could start taking responsibility for myself. It was time to make a change, a change I could not bring myself to do before. I really disliked myself that night because that is not the type of person I wanted my children to grow up with so I made the decision to just cut it out of my life. Thankfully that night did not turn out as bad as it could have and I was able to salvage the weekend. I know it has only been a week but I am serious about this next step in my journey. I even read that some people are allergic to alcohol and it causes their hair to fall out, so maybe it will even help in my case with alopecia. Every day is a battle but my family is worth the fight. They are my reason. “One is not enough and two is too many.” , is a quote that always stuck with me…& I intend on sticking with this decision. Someone once told me that alcohol is meant to celebrate something, not just drink it simply just because, and that’s the level I aspire to get to. I will only, MAYBE, enjoy a drink when I have something to celebrate such as my birthday or an anniversary; other than that hello sobriety!