Tag: motherhood

As you sleep..

Momma Bear

Endless thoughts keep rushing in my mind like a loud waterfall I can never really seem to escape from. It always seems to be so loud in here and it’s been this way for as long as I can remember. In the deafening silence from lying wide awake at 4am, I notice the sound of you breathing next to me. My little boy, you have only been in my life for two years and already I know that you were the missing piece. You are what I had been searching for for so long and I just never knew it.

The sound of your peaceful breathing next to me reminds me that there is always something to fight for in the world, as long as there is love. Love is the feeling I get when I look into your beautiful, big, brown eyes or when you place your tiny, chubby hands on the sides of my face before you drift off to sleep. In a world full of darkness with a humanity that is quickly losing faith in itself, you my love, are a breath of fresh air. The grand amount of light and love you carry within your little body is what this world needs to keep going.

I truly do not know what I did right to deserve you and your sister but I am eternally grateful to God for allowing me to be your mommy in this lifetime and I promise you guys that I will find you in every lifetime to come. You are what brought me to life when I had already decided that there was no more life within me and I was just ready for whatever horrible tragedy was to become of me. You brought out the greatness in me, the mother goddess warrior, and I am ready to fight for you always. I truly believe you will make this world a better place and you have so much to offer.

I am terrified of what this world is becoming and for bringing you into this. You are too pure to be brought up in this chaos, but I know that you will be a light in this darkness just as you have been the lighthouse that brought me home. The love I have for you is beyond infinite and I can not wait to see what magic you bring into this life my baby.

Holiday Blues

Momma Bear

People seem to be the saddest this time of year. Sure, it seems like half of the planet is engulfed in Christmas time cheer and so focused on whose gift is going to be the best; it’s nauseating. For me, personally, the holidays have never really been the cheeriest days of the year. I tend to feel more on the blue side and find myself sort of going through the motions. I do not know if it would be because my childhood memories are not filled with big family gatherings and cousins my age running wild, filling the home with laughter and joy. It was actually quite the opposite, everything was always so quiet and gloomy for some reason. It was rare if my father made it home on time for us to eat dinner, and as soon as he did get home, everything seemed to go from gloom to tense and rushed. I always remember sitting in my room by myself most Christmas Eves and watching the cheesy holiday movies, thinking to myself how cool it must be to have a big family and actually create fun memories like that.

Fast forward to now, and I find myself being a full on grown up. I made it to twenty eight years of life and I find myself laughing because I remember at one point, I never even believed I was going to make it twenty five. I have been blessed enough to have made it through the struggles life threw at me and I never gave in to the voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough, I kept pushing and believing. Now, I have my own beautiful little family. I have my amazing husband that I call my unicorn, because there is no way that he is real, he was made just for me. He loves me so much, even in the moments when I do not care to love myself. Together we created two amazing little humans, Luna and Noah, and now I get to celebrate the holidays the way the people in the movies do. This marriage has allowed for our family to grow and now we all get together and create memories with the babies, I could not ask for more; my heart is so full!

My husband has found a job that seems to be the answer to all of our prayers, and I could not be more grateful for the work that he does. It is a little difficult for me because this means he has to be away from us, sometimes for months at a time and it so hard on us all because we miss him so much. The gloom sets in again. Slowly, yet tactfully filling up the depths of my mind….why am I like this? Why can I not ever just be fully happy and focus on the amazing things. I have to try real hard not to let myself get asphyxiated by the sad gloomy thoughts. The babies make it easy because they bring such a tremendous amount of joy into my days, I just can not wait for the day when we can all be together again. Being an adult is hard and I do not recall the moment I suddenly crossed the bridge from living so carelessly to now having to deal with all of the stresses and emotions that come with adulting, and motherhood… oh motherhood is a tough bitch…but it has made me so much stronger and loving than I ever thought I could be…sorry for the random rant, I just have a lot in my head lately.