Tag: mental health

Update on my anxiety…

Momma Bear

A couple months ago it seemed like my panic attacks had come to a peak. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart beating out of my chest and finding it difficult to breathe. I would lay awake for hours just trying to breathe deeply and calm myself as I tried to sleep whatever hours that I could because I knew that my kids would wake up soon and it would be go time from there until they fell asleep at night. The mornings would begin and I would usually have a debilitating headache and a feeling of impending doom. Why? I don’t know but it was getting unbearable. I always felt like when you are about neck deep in a cold pool and you feel like the breath is being taken out of you, or when you are about to do something bad that you know aren’t supposed to be doing; that loud and pounding heart feeling. Sometimes it would get so bad that all I could manage to do in an entire day was make some grilled cheese for the kids and then curl up in a ball on the carpet on the living room floor, wrapped up in my favorite blanket to keep the panic levels down. I was really getting concerned about my health and convinced myself that something must be terribly wrong with me if I was feeling like that every single day and I finally worked up the courage to make an appointment with my doctor so they could take blood out and check all my levels.

I asked my mom to come over and watch the kids so I could go get myself checked out and she agreed right away because apparently my whole family was getting worried about my situation. My biggest fear was that something terrible would happen to me and nobody would even know for hours, since my husband has been working out of state, I was horrified at the thought of my babies being left alone and scared because something happened to me. Anyway, I went to the doctor and they took out five vials of blood to check my hormones, my thyroid, my white blood cell count, if I was anemic, etc. A week later they called me in to go over my results and the doctor informed me that I was absolutely, perfectly healthy. There was nothing wrong with me physically and all of my levels were off the chart amazing. Relieved, yet confused I slumped in my chair and asked the doctor what she recommended next. She said that it seemed as if everything might be in my head, she asked me if I suffered from anxiety or depression and I told her all about my first panic attack that sent me to the emergency room only because I was convinced I was going into cardiac arrest. In the emergency room, embarrassingly, they told me that I was just having a panic attack and I needed to hydrate more and they just shrugged me off. It had been two years since that first panic attack, and there I was still trying to figure out what to do. The doctor referred me to a cardiologist so that they can run some tests and see if the heart palpitations were because of an actual problem with my heart or if it was ‘all in my head’. My doctor seemed convinced that I am suffering from depression and that is what is bringing on these random panic attacks…depressed? I have never been happier or in a better place in my life…I do miss my husband terribly but he will coming home soon and the kids and I will most likely be traveling up with him on his next assignment. Which is cool because we will be able to explore the country a little bit and the kids will get to see places they otherwise never would. It will be an adventure! Sure, the world is going to shit and we are probably about to go into our Third World War, but other than that I feel ‘normal’?

I recently went to the cardiologist, waited FOUR hours to be seen and there they performed an EKG on me and said that everything looked relatively normal. There were a couple spikes that they want to look further into, but for the most part the cardiologist said I seemed to be healthy. He set me up for another appointment to perform an ultrasound of my heart and a stress test, not too excited about that. Those results will determine whether the palpitations are being caused by one of the valves in my heart not opening and closing properly or if it really is just ‘all in my head’. Gosh, I am so tired of hearing that. He even recommended me smoking a joint, which made me giggle to myself because if only he knew that in my past that was always my go to medication. However, he said since it is not legal here, he could not legally advise me to do that. I am not comfortable with taking prescription medications, personally, because in my past I had a problem with that…I definitely do not want to play with fire and mess around with prescription medications for anxiety and/or depression. I am going to get those tests done and see what the results are and then go on from there. If it is all in my head how they all seem to keep telling me, then I am just going to stay strong and ride the waves of my panic attacks as they come. Mind over matter. Knowing that my body is perfectly healthy and that I am not going to go into cardiac arrest is highly reassuring and I think I will be able to calm myself through the storms on my own… wish me luck guys!

Something is happening.

Momma Bear

My anxiety has been bubbling lately. I can never really seem to put my finger on it, the reason why I always feel like the sky is falling. I do not even remember the day I began feeling this way, but I know it was not always this way. Honestly, I used to be one of those people that did not believe anxiety was a real thing, weak people made anxiety up as an excuse to not being able to deal or cope with their realities. Well, I was very wrong because soon enough it began happening to me and let me tell you, anxiety is a real thing; one hundred percent. I have been trying to find ways to deal with it and in a way where my kids do not really notice what is going on because I do not want to rub off on them. I want them to be brave and fearless, not crippled by anxiety…like me.

I don’t know what it is. Before, the anxiety would come rarely and in the most random of times. Now, I feel like I am at the tippy top of the world’s highest roller coaster, just waiting to plummet back down…but I never fall. I just feel like I’m about to fall and the terror never simmers away, it’s constantly there. I feel like something terrible is about to happen, all of the time. I can’t explain why or what triggers me to feel this way but I feel it in the air as well. I know it sounds kind of looney, but I swear the atmosphere feels off lately; like the planet has anxiety. Something isn’t right and I think I’m such an empath that the imbalance within the world and the people truly has an effect on me physically. I just feel like there is something I need to do and I can not figure out what it is. I am just trying my ultimate best to be the best mom, be the best me I can be because I feel like we are running out of time. Why? I don’t know. It is just an urgency I feel within me to get as much done as I can, yet sit still and enjoy every waking moment. Taking it all in, the smells of my sleeping babies as the morning begins, the sounds of their laughter as I smother them with tickles and kisses, and the feeling of love flowing within our family when we are all together. It feels infinite, WE are infinite, and I am certain to my core that no matter what lifetime that we will always find one another.

So, I do not know what the future will hold or why I was dealt the anxiety card but I promise I’ll overcome it. I overcome the anxiety beast every single day, it seems. I refuse to allow it to control me or to pass it down to my kids. I will continue searching for ways to live with this and avoiding things that trigger the panic. So far I have noticed that coffee definitely is the number one trigger for me. If I do not eat by noon or 1pm I also begin to feel like I am about to go into an anxiety attack, and also not drinking enough water. I never used to be this way, sometimes I worry that something is wrong me physically…but I do not want to go down that rabbit hole. Driving sometimes can be a trigger, I have to focus on the brake lights of the cars or turn on the music and sing, loud. Don’t judge. Anxiety is real, and something is happening in the world, now all I can do is keep surviving and fighting everyday because I need to be the hero my kids think I am.

Holiday Blues

Momma Bear

People seem to be the saddest this time of year. Sure, it seems like half of the planet is engulfed in Christmas time cheer and so focused on whose gift is going to be the best; it’s nauseating. For me, personally, the holidays have never really been the cheeriest days of the year. I tend to feel more on the blue side and find myself sort of going through the motions. I do not know if it would be because my childhood memories are not filled with big family gatherings and cousins my age running wild, filling the home with laughter and joy. It was actually quite the opposite, everything was always so quiet and gloomy for some reason. It was rare if my father made it home on time for us to eat dinner, and as soon as he did get home, everything seemed to go from gloom to tense and rushed. I always remember sitting in my room by myself most Christmas Eves and watching the cheesy holiday movies, thinking to myself how cool it must be to have a big family and actually create fun memories like that.

Fast forward to now, and I find myself being a full on grown up. I made it to twenty eight years of life and I find myself laughing because I remember at one point, I never even believed I was going to make it twenty five. I have been blessed enough to have made it through the struggles life threw at me and I never gave in to the voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough, I kept pushing and believing. Now, I have my own beautiful little family. I have my amazing husband that I call my unicorn, because there is no way that he is real, he was made just for me. He loves me so much, even in the moments when I do not care to love myself. Together we created two amazing little humans, Luna and Noah, and now I get to celebrate the holidays the way the people in the movies do. This marriage has allowed for our family to grow and now we all get together and create memories with the babies, I could not ask for more; my heart is so full!

My husband has found a job that seems to be the answer to all of our prayers, and I could not be more grateful for the work that he does. It is a little difficult for me because this means he has to be away from us, sometimes for months at a time and it so hard on us all because we miss him so much. The gloom sets in again. Slowly, yet tactfully filling up the depths of my mind….why am I like this? Why can I not ever just be fully happy and focus on the amazing things. I have to try real hard not to let myself get asphyxiated by the sad gloomy thoughts. The babies make it easy because they bring such a tremendous amount of joy into my days, I just can not wait for the day when we can all be together again. Being an adult is hard and I do not recall the moment I suddenly crossed the bridge from living so carelessly to now having to deal with all of the stresses and emotions that come with adulting, and motherhood… oh motherhood is a tough bitch…but it has made me so much stronger and loving than I ever thought I could be…sorry for the random rant, I just have a lot in my head lately.

I started laser hair therapy!

Momma Bear

As you all may know, or not know, I have been dealing with alopecia areota since I was about to turn 21 years old; it has been a really crazy ride! I have tried millions of things to keep my hair from falling out and to regrow my hair, but nothing ever seems to stick…super frustrating. I’ve tried coconut oil, rosemary oil, I’ve rubbed egg on my head, I’ve even been getting cortesoid steroid injections to my scalp for a few years now and NOTHING WORKS. No one can tell me WHY this is happening or how to stop it and it has been just such an irritating problem. Having to deal with this situation has definitely changed me entirely, I feel like I have gone into hiding and my depression got really bad at one point honestly. My husband and kids are really the only things motivating me every day to keep going and not worry about my hair. They have saved me from myself and motivate me to just keep living my life and breaking glass ceilings! Well, about a year ago my husband and I were driving around town and we saw a clinic that said “Hair Loss Control Clinic” and it caught my eye but I never even dared to think about it because I had a feeling it would cost us a pretty penny. Recently however, I decided to just give them a call and see what they had to offer and when the receptionist told me the consultation was free and they offered payment plans, I thought “Why the hell not?” I set it up and my mom was nice enough to tag along with me because I needed her to stay in the car and watch my two kids since they were not allowed in the clinic, due to COVID safety precautions of course.

I walked in the clinic and everything just felt right, I felt like this might be the place that changes my life; but I was still very skeptical because I did not know anything about the treatments they would recommend or their prices. After my consultation, which was really quick thank goodness, the doctor recommended their hair treatments, along with a shampoo, and vitamins and laser hair therapy. The doctor raves about the products, showed me pictures of before and after the six month treatment, and guaranteed me a 93% success rate among the patients. I was sold. I ended up agreeing to the six month treatment, along with the hair treatments, and it came out to $1500. I was so surprised because I honestly thought I was going to walk out with a $5,000 quote, but no!! I ran outside to tell my mom and she were bursting with joy and gratitude because it finally felt as if this horrible problem will soon go away! This has been something that has been affecting my life and the lives of my loved ones for a long time now and I am so ready to kick it in the ass! I just completed my first week of laser hair therapy, it’s two sessions a week for the first couple of months and then it’s once a week. I know, how tedious, but if it works it’ll all be worth it to me! I am so grateful to my mother for helping me with this journey , and I will be keeping you guys updated with pictures as well!

Second sesh of laser hair therapy!

The laser hair therapy itself is so cool! It takes 30 minutes and they just sit you down in a private room with a TV and you literally just hang out while this machine is over your head, kind of like the ones at the salon but these use a red laser light that is supposed to stimulate your hair follicles to grow! It irradiates photons into scalp tissue and they are supposed to be absorbed by the weaker scalp skin cells and stimulates the growth, super sciencey and cool! I am just so excited to try something new and being very optimistic about it.

Two months sober…& counting..

Momma Bear

This is me checking in, just filling you in on something personal. Two months ago I found myself in a situation where I had been in many times unfortunately. Hungover and regretting my decisions or the things I said the night before, I decided it was time to change, seriously. Being a new mom is a wild experience and it has its roller coaster ride of emotions but there is something about my little girl that just pushes me to be better. I don’t know if it’s because she reminds me of a miniature version of myself, before the world messed me up and I realized the cruelties of life, but I just refuse to mess her up. I took it upon myself to stop drinking COMPLETELY for her. If me not drinking means that she will never taste a drop of alcohol until she is 21 or older then I will gladly do it. I refuse to let her go through all of the things I had to go through because I started drinking at an early age. I refuse. Well anyway, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it has been the easiest of journeys…it seems almost as if life decided to throw all these obstacles at me as soon as I decided to quit drinking. We decided to move a week before Christmas and I swear it has probably been the most stressful time. I had a panic attack in the process of all this and we had family over during Christmas, in this pandemic, and everything has just been freaking me out to the max. I have always had anxiety and depression since I was a teen but I had always coped with it, I guess, or actually hid behind alcohol and substances. Now that I have decided to try and live a healthier lifestyle, the universe decides it’s got jokes for me…being sober is HARD I’m not going to lie. I am not going to tell you that it gets easier as the days go by , as others would like to say, it doesn’t. Every single day you will be faced with stresses, issues, and people that you just want to run away from… but hang in there, please. I have not relapsed, nor do I intend on it. I have had so many opportunities to do so, or even just moments where I have felt like saying “fuck it , I deserve a drink!” , but NO. I refuse to go back, I have come such a long way and my baby girl is so proud of me. I am so proud of me. Every day is a decision made, and I am in control. Mental illness is real, don’t ever let anyone make you feel broken…

Why I chose to stop drinking.

Momma Bear

This isn’t one of my favorite topics to write about because it’s very real for me…but I feel like it’s necessary. Alcohol has never brought me anything good, it has always led me to some sort of problem in the past. Well, ever since I met my husband and we started building our little family I definitely slowed down and even cut out liquor altogether just because I noticed that it wasn’t even worth it anymore, I needed to be 100% for my kids. Well ever since I had my second baby, Noah, my alcohol tolerance has shot down to zero basically. I had been sticking to wine only lately because it seemed like that’s all I could handle but recently, that’s been changing. I noticed that if I ever surpassed my two glasses of wine I would get a strong buzz and would wake up with really bad headaches the next day. If I had a headache then I felt like I couldn’t be the best me I could be with the kids and I didn’t like that. Well, this past weekend my husband and I were able to get away with the kids and my mother in law and we took everybody to the beach. We had the best time but I feel like because I had a couple drinks it led up to probably THE dumbest fight of my life. I ended up getting overly upset because my husband gave our dog, Bunny, the last of my two year old’s beef jerky sticks when we got back from dinner. It had definitely been a stressful day with the drive, the kids, & the dog and I think that one little thing made me just blow up. I ended up making a huge deal out of something that honestly should not have been that big of a deal. I made a mountain out of a mole hill as others would say. Well, anyway, thankfully I quickly realized that the reason I felt SO angry and annoyed was mostly because of the alcohol intake. I hated myself for a moment, I felt like I had ruined the night, the weekend! My husband and I sat quietly in the dark and I gathered myself and put my ego aside, I sincerely apologized to him. I thanked him for being so patient and loving with me, he truly has been such a good partner throughout all of this and I refuse to lose him or my family because of my old ways. I had an epiphany that night that showed me that everything bad I ever got into when I was young, was because of the alcohol. I could keep putting the blame on others or I could start taking responsibility for myself. It was time to make a change, a change I could not bring myself to do before. I really disliked myself that night because that is not the type of person I wanted my children to grow up with so I made the decision to just cut it out of my life. Thankfully that night did not turn out as bad as it could have and I was able to salvage the weekend. I know it has only been a week but I am serious about this next step in my journey. I even read that some people are allergic to alcohol and it causes their hair to fall out, so maybe it will even help in my case with alopecia. Every day is a battle but my family is worth the fight. They are my reason. “One is not enough and two is too many.” , is a quote that always stuck with me…& I intend on sticking with this decision. Someone once told me that alcohol is meant to celebrate something, not just drink it simply just because, and that’s the level I aspire to get to. I will only, MAYBE, enjoy a drink when I have something to celebrate such as my birthday or an anniversary; other than that hello sobriety!